A Song

courtesy of @discoverireland 

Play me

A thud, a beat, a drum

That rolls like thunder

And roars like rain

In a world where the dead still live.

There can be peace.

Let my

Eyelids fall but quick

To waves that waken and thrill.

Our elixir for the sick,

Is the antidote for the brave.

There must be peace.

Hear

Centuries of war, 

Generations of sorrow,

A single moment of joy

Caught in a song.

There will be peace. 

Why We Fall in Love with Strangers

If you never fell in love with an adolescent pop star or sitcom celebrity, was your childhood even real?

I have no shame in admitting that at  11, I was completely convinced Nick Jonas and I were meant to be. All I had to do was present myself and he'd fall head over heels for me, the way those silly pre-teen chick flick-esque books taught me.

It's still like that, for me, for my friends, for everybody. Yeah, your mom probably doodled a few hearts around Patrick Swayze's name in her day.

Why? Sure celebrities are gorgeous and successful, but they're strangers. Few of us really know what they're like, what they believe in, what their favorite breakfast cereal is. How can you love someone you don't know?

I have a theory. I believe that we're all born with not only the capacity for love, but the need for it. We fashion lovers from out needs and desires, our deepest secrets. I think we're in love all our lives with these apparitions. Then we go out into the world and try to find someone that can defeat them, so we love someone made of flesh and blood instead of smoke. A skeleton of bone and not fantasy.

Say your favorite Irish singer-songwriter walks by, a guitar slung across his broad shoulders, dark hair caught up in a man bun (how I adore man buns). If you're me, you're gonna wake up in a few hours in a hospital because you've blacked out by now. Clumsy oaf.

Why? What's the big deal? This kind of infatuation is beyond the bounds of any sort of respect or admiration for an accomplished musician (or whatever). It feels like love, but we've already established that it's not.

I mean, maybe it IS love, but it's not Hozier we're in love with. It's that shadowy figure that knows us. We think, because the songs strike a chord within us, the writer knows us to the core. We think, because he sings so passionately about things we care about, he must believe what we want him to. We think, because of his funny way of ducking his head and stuttering in interviews, the man is thoughtful, quiet, intelligent. He must be a good listener, because we think he's our knight. Because we want him to be.

We think, because he did a cover on Whole Lotta Love he's "the one".

But he's not. We as humans are doomed to dependence on others for completion. No matter how many words of empowerment the Emboldened Free preach, we are not born whole. That's why we make up these knights of ours, and dress them up as the people that strike our fancy. The danger today, what with social media aiding our finely honed stalking skills, we do get bits and pieces of their personality. Hozier probably IS a good listener, Jennifer Lawrence probably IS hilarious. The point is that we don't know; the "probably" is what sends sentiment crashing through the floor. We get a false sense of intimacy, so the obsession intensifies.

All throughout middle school (and still, tbh) I had the biggest crush on Robert Plant. Because I loved his voice, I thought I loved him.

Yes, I'm aware he's a good twenty years older than my mother. Leave me alone.

I needed someone strong and free, someone with the soul of a poet and a warrior  because I couldn't me. That's what my knight became, a listening ear to a lonely child. He also had eyes grey like storms and hair like (young) Robert Plant's, but he wasn't Robert Plant.

When little girls love the Prince Charmings of disney movies, it's because they're depicted as strong and heroic- somebody to look up to.

Funny that the person who can finally replace our knight is usually the ordinary sort. Maybe he's a head shorter than you. Maybe she's thirty pounds heavier than your ideal, but its not outer beauty that matters, because remember how easily your specter shape shifted? You don't need green eyes, you need accepting ones. It's not big, red lips your savior will have, but rather lips that know how to tell jokes, maybe.

So when you fall out of love with someone, know that it wasn't in the cards. They weren't what you needed. Your knight was stronger than them. They entered your life so that the two of you could learn from each other, learn to love, lose, and leave. They're a lesson, not a soul mate.

I'll leave you now to wonder where the hell this all came from. Was I just recently dumped? Did I just watch an 80s rom-com? Is this a Hozier/ Dawes/ Mercedes Sosa induced state of distress?

Maybe.

Water Fast Update

My third day was the hardest. I was exhausted and suffered from bouts of lightheadedness. I didn't post every day as I had planned partly because I'm a terrible person, and partly because I didn't have the energy to stay up past 9:30.

On that Wednesday, my friends and I went to Wind and Sea, and I think I almost died on that beach. I was ready to be food for the crabs and mermaids. But naturally reality's not that romantic so I pushed on, with visions of my death fast-approaching.

Wednesday, as you know, was the Lunar New Year and my family went to a Chinese restaurant in Del Mar. That was a depressing time because I swear everybody enjoyed everything a little too much. Maliciously. Smugly.

I did a whole lot of sipping at iced water, pinky raised delicately in the air, and staring at the ceiling.  But it's good to be tested. Willpower is a muscle that must be exercised, and mine is very sore right now.

On Thursday I broke my fast, although I intended to extend it until Friday, because my family and I were driving up to Julian. Orange juice with a grapefruit juiced in for the lolz was the most delicious fluid to ever pass my lips. Exaggeration? I think not.

I found myself chugging down the stuff with a greed that freaked me out a little. I had to force myself to stop and take smaller sips. That day I had orange juice, lemon and mint tea, dehydrated apple strips, coconut water, and that night, some steamed veggies.

Believe when I say that hot food is a blessing. I almost broke into song at the dinner table.

Now I'm on my juice and raw food diet. My parents got mad at me, so no more fasting for a while. I think they're just jealous because I was more excited about the juicer than I was about the new calculator.

If you do a water fast, expect very low energy levels, dizziness, hunger, cravings, obsession with food (I don't even want to tell you how many youtube videos I watched of people preparing and eating food), and no bowel movement. You feel hella skinny. So clean, and my skin cleared right up. It wasn't too bad to begin with, actually.

Until next time then.

Water Fast Day 2

First, let me tell you about my day after I left you all yesterday. First I hung out with some friends, who decided to get lunch.

Imagine me. Sitting, surrounded by salads and quiches and sandwiches and fries. I wasn't really hungry, although I did experience bouts of hunger earlier in the day, but boy, did everything smell good.

Then I went to La Jolla Cove with another group of friends. These heartless wenches decided they were in the mood for sushi. I love sushi.

But I stuck to my guns and sipped languidly at my iced water, marveling at my lack of hunger. Oh sure, I wanted to steal all of their sushi, but I didn't feel like I needed it. It's like when you come home and find a massive chocolate cake on the counter. You need that cake, but it's not like you're faint from hunger and literally need that cake.

I began to feel a little tired around 7, so I called it a day and went home, read a little of my Knut Hamsun book, and fell asleep at 9. Let me tell you, it was the greatest sleep of my life.

I woke up feeling very weak. Not sleepy, but physically drained. No hunger, no cravings, but also no energy.

Whatever, I thought. That's normal. But when I reached for my water, my eyes went out of focus and I staggered, knocking almost everything off my table. That was quite disturbing, especially since I spilled all the water on my carpet.

Now, because I have to tutor today (and therefore need to be in control of my body and my mental faculties) I went downstairs and deliberately ate a date and then a banana.

I didn't want to, but I couldn't risk having an episode like this while driving. To compensate, I'll add an extra day on.

But those 6 bites of food were glorious. The Chinese date was sweet, tart, and caramel-y. The banana was rich, decadent, and soooo filling. Too filling. I feel stuffed to the max. I also feel like I could run a marathon. Bloated, but energized. I could actually feel the glucose enter my bloodstream.

It will take a while to return to the point I left in my fast, but I really don't think it's that big of a deal. Better safe than sorry, I think.

But back to my regime immediately, continuing until Thursday now, rather than Wednesday.

Some effects of my first 24 hours of my fast:

~skin immediately clearer
~lost 4 lb (that's only water weight so there's no need to get excited)
~a feeling of purification
~no hunger, a ton of cravings that are slowly disappearing
~meditating this morning was a new experience in that it felt more natural and my muscles relaxed with more ease
~whites of eyes very white


Yep. That's my morning so far. Will update in a few hours.

Water Fast Day 1

So I've decided to document my water fast and I feel great. Granted, it's only 10 am, but I remember my first attempt at water fasting last year when I felt for sure I was dying of hunger by 5:13 am.

This time I made sure to prepare; I've eaten raw  for the last two days and drank what must have been my body weight in fluids

Its important to do this for the right reasons, because there is a fine line between fasting and starving. You ease in both ways, you don't binge, and you drink lots of water. You safeguard your mental and spiritual health with yoga and light (very light) exercise. Meditate, learn to love your body.

This is a cleanse, not a weight loss program. You are purging your body of toxins, and reaching new spiritual heights. This is a labor of love, not hate.




My plan this time is as follows:

2 days eating raw, drinking lots of juices and smoothies. This will make the fast easier, because in these 2 days many of your cravings will have gone away

3-4 days zero-calories. Don't plan on doing anything for the first day or two, because you will not be comfortable

1 day orange or lemon juice diluted in water

7 day juice cleanse (I'm double dipping here, going from a water fast directly into a juice cleanse)

2 days raw, same as the start

back to my old vegan diet, with a mix of raw and cooked foods




Honestly, the first few days suck. The more toxic your diet was prior to the fast, the worse your detox symptoms will be. You will experience hunger, cravings, mood swings, dizziness, possibly a thick white coating on your tongue. It is normal, and to be expected.

This is a natural healing process, used by ancients peoples as well as animals in the wild for thousands upon thousands of years. Think of when you have a fever- do you feel much like eating? No, because fasting is you body's response to the virus, as much as the fever is. It's trying to detox, so your appetite is suppressed.

You will lose weight (only to be expected) but be prepared for some of it to come back immediately when you start eating food again.

Do your research, because this isn't something to do half-assed. You might even prefer to have a guided fast, so you don't feel alone.

It's getting on 10:30 now, and I still feel great. Had a jam fest to some Uptown Funk, drank a hipster mason jar of water and everything.

Peace.


*********Update: It's been a good five minutes since I published what's above, and I am beginning to experience hunger. This, too, will pass. In a few days, you'll feel great. Clean, and new, and full of energy.