On the first day of eighth grade, my new homeroom teacher stood before a class of disinterested adolescents in the throes of puberty and clapped his hands together.
“There is,” he began importantly, “no such thing as a stupid question.” and smiled encouragingly into strained silence. A hand rose slowly into the air, the owner wearing an expression of excruciating concentration.
“Yes?” inquired Mr. Blodmann pleasantly.
“Will we be learning about African Americans like Nelson Mandela?” Had it not been for the fact that Chauncey (names have been changed to protect the perpetrators’ identities) was completely in earnest, had it not been for the fact that most of us hadn’t the faintest clue who that was, we would have erupted into uproarious laughter. But the smarter kids chuckled to themselves, appreciating the irony of the situation. Chauncey had just proved our well intentioned teacher wrong: there is definitely such a thing as a stupid question.
A question is classified as stupid when it contains any element of: irrelevance, irreverence, repetition, or obviosity. As Chauncey had also asked his question in our Earth Science class, it had the rare and unusual quality of belonging to all four categories. However it is worth noting that not all stupid questions are asked by stupid people. Sometimes stupid questions serve an intelligent purpose, such as drawing attention to an important point in a humorous way. It is usually plain when the question is deliberately stupid; just look for air-quotes, eye-ball rolling, or the smirk that loosely translates into: “Step aside, PEASANTS” .
Irrelevant (off topic) questions interrupt discussions with a completely random subject, or a subject broached at a previous point in the conversation. They are sometimes asked by self-proclaimed jokesters, whose comedic efforts often fall short. Because it is a fact of life that people are generally jerks, we seem to find it funniest when dumb questions are asked in total seriousness, probably due to our massive egos and superiority complexes.
On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how deep or profound the question is; if it doesn’t somehow relate to the discussion, it can safely be labeled “stupid”. Can you imagine reading a thrilling piece about yams and midway through exploring the international yam community the author suddenly has an existential crisis all over the page? ( “Nigeria is by far the the world’s largest producer of yams, but more importantly, how is humanity supposed to function in a society where we have killed God?!”) But then, if the essay about yams was actually an allegory for existentialism, that question would no longer be stupid because of its irrelevance. It all depends on the rhetor’s purpose. As in, whether or not he has one.
A person demonstrates a lack of respect, understanding, or empathy by asking an irreverent question. This kind of question is almost never funny because while the other three deal with stupidity, this one deals with ignorance and even bigotry. It would be like asking a Syrian to expound upon the benefits of biological warfare, or a hobo his opinion regarding this year’s price inflations in the diamond-encrusted chihuahua market. The Syrians recently experienced a civilian massacre due to the rebel forces’ use of biological warfare and it’s generally accepted that the homeless have little interest in something as opulent (aka, expensive) as the diamond-encrusted chihuahua market. Such insensitivity to human suffering can only be born of an inconsiderate and self-absorbed attitude, which is why it is considered bad taste to make 9/11 jokes.
Repetitive questions repeat the same question or questions multiple times, and is best seen when families go for extended road trips. While Mom and Dad are busy swearing beneath their breaths at a sulky GPS who is recalculating in a little corner and being most unhelpful, Junior is bored in the backseat. While Mom and Dad are trying to keep their indoor voices, Junior can be heard reiterating: “Are we there yet?” from the backseat. Every so often he might throw in a “How much longer?”. Junior’s question was stupid in the first place, as anyone can plainly see that because the minivan is still moving, with no signs of slowing down, Junior is most certainly not there yet. The repetition transforms Junior’s stupid question into an animal noise that conveys his feelings of boredom and fussiness. Repetition is the bane of the spoken language; it has the potential to destroy meaningful questioning. Adding the element of repetition to an already stupid question takes it from “rather stupid” to “obscenely stupid”.
My personal favorite is the obvious question. These are almost always funny, regardless of the asker’s intent, because they can happen to anyone. Even someone as omniscient and infallible as my mother, who once asked a waitress if the vegan kale salad had meat in it. Therefore, an obvious question occurs when the asker has purposely or accidentally missed an unspoken or self-explanatory premise. A few days ago, my brother’s friend called our home phone and declared: “Yo, dude, I’m bored. Are you at home right now?” In this case, the implicit assumption that escaped my brother’s friend was that home phones are located in one’s home, and not at the Corn Palace in South Dakota.
Stupid questions are not merely the questions asked by stupid people. The fact that they come mostly from stupid people is just a coincidence. Anyone can fall victim to asking purposeless questions. Just ask any seasoned receptionist at any doctor’s clinic who has experienced flu season.
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